What people seem to mean by 'fighting fair' is they believe there is a way to argue without the hurt and escalation that often happens. Rather than pose the question, “How can we learn to fight fair?” I suggest asking, “What can we learn from our arguments that can help us build a relationship in which we fight less?” There are three important steps to take when an argument occurs.
What makes each of us feel loved isn't universal. What floats your boat doesn't necessarily float mine. Have you thought to ask your partner, "what is it that makes you feel loved?" If not, you're likely missing the target.
"Babe, can we talk?" are the four most dreaded words a man can hear. Why doesn't he feel inspired when you tell him what you want? Would you like to spark a positive sea change in your relationship? Read on . . . . and please pass on to anyone who's in a relationship!
Great relationships are great because they are well fed. It’s a huge transition from ‘me’ to ‘us’, especially in our culture that prizes individuality. Relationships thrive on partnership, special attention, safe conversations, repairing arguments, appreciation, and physical touch.
We all want to thrive in our relationships. Why is it so hard? Here's a blueprint for putting back the vitality.
The sexual connection in many a relationship is the first to founder under any stress or tension. Couples find themselves bickering. They enjoy each other's company less. And they don't make the connection that their lackluster sexual activity is a huge part of the problem.
He’s for Donald, she’s for Hillary - how do you keep your relationship from exploding?
The divisiveness of this 2016 presidential election is bringing out a level of vitriol that is disheartening to many many people.
Love and Courage
These two words, love and courage, might seem odd companions - "what about loving someone requires courage, you might ask?” If we think about the long-term commitment of love in a romantic relationship, what comes to mind might be facing challenges and misfortunes together. The courage to love your spouse is of a magnitude all its own.
Marriage is yet again another developmental stage of life that requires us to face our demons if we really are going to thrive in our relationship. Frustrations in relationship often center around seemingly incompatible differences, judgements, decline in sexual satisfaction, loneliness, feeling suffocated, criticized. All too often partners just give up and resign themselves to those frustrations never changing. The solutions sometimes agreed to - "I'll try harder to not get angry" - go by the wayside in a flash.
Here's where those demons come in, lurking in our own personal undergrounds. In an instant our resolve evaporates.
You've likely said or heard "you are so irrational!" That is a true statement because these intense reactions are not taking place in our logical/thinking brain - we are not going through some internal dialogue that goes like this, "hmm . . . let me think, does her comment make me mad?" We are just reacting. Reaction leads to reaction and the escalation is off and running.
Deeper origins aren't apparent to us because this has all been triggered at the 'lizard' brain level - those primitive parts of our brain that are geared towards our basic survival and are responsible for our 'flight or fight' responses.
Often our emotional reaction to something that's happened has an 'emotional thread', which with lightening speed dips into a pool of hurt experienced earlier in life. This adds massive fuel to the current fire.
We like to think that we're fully rational beings and that our behavior is justified on the merits of the situation. Identifying what's not fully conscious isn't an easy task. Here's where courage comes in - grappling with those demons of the past comes with anxiety. Anxiety is really, really uncomfortable. Humans will do a lot to avoid anxiety - I often say "we'll sell our souls to avoid feeling anxious" - yet we need to build a tolerance for feeling anxiety in order to discover the roots of our troubles. Then we can make the shifts in ourselves to lead the life we want and fully connect in relationship.
How to build tolerance to anxiety? There are moments - milliseconds, really - that you can grab before they slip away. Anxiety is there when you are feeling intensely - frequently that is angry.
In these moments, ask yourself, “what else am I feeling?”
You will feel extremely uncomfortable and vulnerable- take a deep breath and just stay there in that feeling. This ‘sitting with’ this feeling of anxiety allows you to access your own emotions that aren’t apparent when you’re more shut down or just reacting. This is your opportunity to know yourself at a deeper level. What you’re feeling underneath the surface allows you to have options - options that are otherwise hidden to you.
With this awareness, you’re way more likely to express yourself in a way that another person can hear you. Or there may be something you choose to do that hadn’t occurred to you. Either of these is bound to be far more constructive.
The cutting edge of change is always anxiety - a journey well worth the vulnerability you will encounter along the way.